A Friendly Face

190km north of Palm Beach, where I was kindly being hosted by family, who emigrated here 7 years ago, was my post-university housemate and somewhat soulmate, Becky Craven. During those early weeks where I felt lost and… well to be frank, shitty, having a friendly face so close was a definite benefit (though my bank account may disagree!).

As previously mentioned, I arrived in the country like 5 days before my birthday. For this, we arranged to meet in the middle in Brisbane – an hour travel for each of us, grab a hostel for the night and have a few drinks to celebrate. So off I went on my hour coach trip, excited to see her again after 2 months… and having felt so lost and strange over the previous days, the sight of a friendly face as she approached the train barriers almost ended in tears of absolute relief!

Oh my God, I thought to myself, if I were watching/judging you right now, I’d be laughing at you. How pathetic! You’re supposed to be an independent backpacker, leaving behind everything she knows to explore the world and you’ve lasted a whole 5 days before nearly crying at the sight of a friendly face! Yeah… real intrepid Paris…

Obviously, as you know from my previous post, my emotional situation was a tad more complex than that… but you’re always your own biggest critic right? Who doesn’t love beating themselves up from time to time ;)

Now travelling alone is never a concept that has scared or worried me in the slightest. As an only child who wasn’t entirely miss popularity at school, I kind of got used to the idea that if I really wanted to do something, sometimes if no one else did, it was better to do it alone than miss out! After my first solo trip to Rome for my 21^st birthday, I quickly realised that although you may depart alone, you’re never really alone, not if you don’t want to be at least. Anyone who has ever stayed in a hostel will support me in this I’m sure. Don’t get me wrong, there are hostels that won’t fit in with you… but you move on and you’ll find ones that do and when you find those it’s glorious. The freedom is hard to explain… The idea that you decide what you want to do, and the chances are that someone will want to do it with you. If they don’t – no loss you came alone anyway, but that feeling of not having to compromise or debate with someone about what you want to do vs what they want to do… or even worse… someone who comes for the ride and does ‘whatever you want to do’.

However, what I hadn’t accounted for is that sometimes, when you’re going through shitty emotions, you just want someone who knows you already. Knows what you’re like, knows when you’re overreacting, knows how to handle you, knows the backgrounds and sensitivities you have… which is what my blonde bombshell coming through those train barriers represented for me. Someone I could talk to and not have to explain why it had been so hurtful, or the behaviours that had led to this etc.

So this takes me towards another realisation I had about myself and life in general – wanting to spend time with someone familiar is not a sign of weakness and dependence. It doesn’t mean you couldn’t do it alone or you’re too scared. Sometimes it just means now is not the time for that. Previously, I would have judged others for not wanting to venture out alone because I’d never experienced that horrible insecurity of just wanting someone familiar by your side. I've drawn a bit a strange conclusion from this one... not necessarily your traditional life lesson but:

Lesson number two: be patient with yourself. Don’t worry about what others are going to think about what you’re doing and equally, don’t judge others as you never fully know what they’re working through. Sometimes familiarity and security are necessary and worthwhile and can help you develop more than beating yourself up about how weak you are for wanting it.